I was meeting a supervisor for the first time at a new job. We had a very pleasant rapport, so I felt comfortable letting her know that I would be getting married in the fall, so would like to take a week for a honeymoon. Her reply? Don’t change my name.

From this woman’s comments, I know the idea of one’s married name is a sore spot for many people. I’ve seen a variety of ways a couple expresses their desire to be married, yet retain identities that are uniquely complementary to one another. Both persons in a couple took each other’s names, so their last name is the same (they are both the Mitchell-Garth’s, rather than only the lady hypenating). I’ve seen a couple meld their two last names into a completely new last name (Daratook from Daragin and Partook). I’ve seen many women retain awkward hypenated last names and, proudly, feel like they’ve retained their identities. I’ve even seen both woman and man retain their own last name.

But how best do I want to represent both myself and my relationship in my name? How will other people know that my family from which I came is important to me, but that the family I am making is equally important to me? Does it matter what people think? And perhaps I’m not doing it for anyone but me. So, then, how do I express both unity and individuality in a name?

And unfortunately, in the wedding world, these are the two (one?) female archetypes most frequently portrayed. We have the brides in “Bride Wars,” best friends pissed at each other for choosing the same day and same place to get married, instead of celebrating with each other the wonders of sharing the adventurous road toward marriage together. We have the brides in “Say Yes to the Dress” and other shows, where the search for the “perfect dress” often leads to tears, angry words exchanged with family and friends, and many, many dollars spent. We have the brides in Disney fairy tales, where each story ends with a storybook wedding and every girl is called a princess.

What if I’m not a bitch OR a princess? Where is there a model, an image that I can follow down this road of marriage? I need to see a bride who does not think the wedding is all about her and therefore centers every decision for the next year on what she wants. I want a bride who realizes that this day is shared with so many loved ones and, most importantly, her future husband. I want someone who enjoys simplicity, meaning, celebration. Where are the women brides?

One place we’ve decided to start is by having our wedding website at the I Do Foundation (www.idofoundation.org). The Foundation has partnered with stores like Target and Gaiam to offer registries that also donate money the charity of the couple’s choice. So, while it would be nice for us to receive a matching set of plates (three of mine from college combined with three of his from graduate school aren’t exactly a set), we can also ensure that our charity receives a good percentage (up to 10%) of what our guest purchases.

An even easier way to encourage our guests to Give More is by setting up direct donations to our charities. We don’t need more stuff in our house, but our local food pantry could certainly use that $50 someone was going to spend on a table runner we would use once a year.

As we keep thinking through this Advent season into the next year, we’ll keep thinking about how to carry these values into the wedding and throughout the marriage.

However, this boot camp promises to help you lose four dress sizes in four months. FOUR dress sizes? I don’t know many people who have four dress sizes to lose without them looking like a skeleton! And what’s worse, you do it ALONE. Not with your future mate. Not with anyone but a trainer and you in a sweaty, boxed-in room. Why is this the focus of a program that’s supposed to prepare you for your wedding?

I propose a new program: How Do You Dream of Being During Your Marriage. If we spent less time focusing on dropping dress sizes and more time focusing on developing ourselves, we might indeed look and act as we dream we will on our wedding day. I can take measurements of my “wife-ly fitness” each month instead of measure my waist. I can develop my listening muscles instead of my ab muscles. I can stretch my heart and brain and self to encompass the life of another instead of stretching my arms to encircle an exercise ball. That seems like a boot camp to me.

For the next twenty years or so, girls are encouraged to twirl around in pretty dresses, fashion veils out of tableclothes, and make their Barbies kiss Ken in a wedding fantasy that few weddings live up to. Then “the day” comes. It’s a whirlwind of planning, paying, and fun. For about six hours. So, girls who have been conditioned to dream about their one special day are crushed after it’s over. There are sites entirely dedicated to the post-wedding depression some brides experience. But can’t we do better for ourselves?

Instead of waiting for this one day, what if we spent our lives preparing to live in the now, with whatever tasks and joys were before us. What if we took our engagements and weddings and marriages as we did other events in our lives; events worthy of great celebration, but events that are only one part of the greater picture of our lives. What if we “conditioned” our little girls to dream of what they could do in the world, what invention they could create, what cause they could take up, what people they could love. “Conditioning” our children to dream of every day as special may actually make the wedding day more memorable, as a gateway into all the other special days to come.

Welcome to Just Wed. This project stems from my great disappointment with what the journey toward a marriage has become. More importantly, this project shares my great hope that with some conscious choices and a strong community, any person preparing to be married can learn from and enjoy the journey. Most importantly, each individual, and each couple, can genuinely make it theirs.

This blog is for: anyone who feels like there’s something missing in their wedding planning; anyone who’s flipped through a wedding magazine and wondered how anyone can afford every “must have”; anyone who believes that the wedding is not the most important part of the marriage. I encourage you to share stories, share tips, and share your hearts.

This blog is not for: selling products (though I will mention helpful products at times, it will not be the focus of the blog); planning your “perfect day”; or putting down others. Though at times I may be critical of some practices, I want this blog to be about providing a positive and justice-oriented forum.

Let the journey begin.